The road is rocky
March 19, 2008
It’s been tough but I am hanging in there. My emotions are still all over the place, but I am starting to see where I need to be and this has been the really hard part. Having spoken to mummy and reading some of your kind thoughts I think I can finally see where life is going to take me. Mummy said that as I am finding myself more and more drawn to my sissy side, as being a sissy becomes more important, not being able to express it fully is making me depressed.
And it’s true. Of course there is a lot more to it than that. I have been let down by so many people and life isn’t go well at all. So that on top of my understanding of where my sissiness is taking me has left me hurt and very confused. I have come so far but I am hitting many stumbling blocks.
My social life, my friends, even work, revolves around being a guy, being seen as a guy and that leaves me feeling as if I am betraying the people around me by being something I am not. And I also feel sometimes that I want to be that guy, that I don’t want to be the sissy. Meeting women who ’like’ me is so tough too. I’d love, in many ways to be the guy with them but I can’t. I can’t let anyone get close like that, no matter how much it hurts, because what they see isn’t the real me and I can’t expose someone I fall for, I care about to the big panty sniffing, nappy wearing pansy I really am.
And so this is the key. I need to get away from this life, I need to bite the bullet and say, it’s never going to be what you really want, I’m never going to truly fit in. So I need to find the courage from somewhere and find the people I belong with. Find the other sissies out there like me, who don’t really fit in the man’s world.
But it is so hard for me, even though I know it will lead (hopefully!) to a better life, giving up part of the guy side of me will be very tough because that’s when it’s time to look in the mirror and know once and for all, I am not a man, I am a sissy, no doubts.
In the past I have spoken of the need to find balance, but I have failed I think. My sissiness is just too strong and I really don’t enjoy many aspects of being a guy. You see between the two sides, it’s the guy side that makes me ashamed not the sissy side. Why? Because it’s the guy side I have to really work at, the side that doesn’t sit right, the side that sometimes makes me act as if I have something to prove.
There must be some of you wonderful sissies out there who have found the balance or what it is that makes this life a joy to live. I salute you, you are an inspiration. We all must find our own way for we are all so different. I’ll get there………. I have too.
I want to thank those who got in contact with their concerns for me, you cannot believe how much that lifted my spirits. Mummy you, as always, are there by my side and what you said to me makes a lot of sence. Sophie, your email truly touched my heart, thankyou x x x. Serena thankyou for your lovely message, I know you have had it tough of late so thankyou for thinking of me.
I have to also say a big thankyou to my big sis Mary, who not only showed concern for me, but has also been so sweet. She has knitted a couple of outfits for one of my dollies and I am so thrilled.
So, I’m afraid you are stuck with me for a little while longer, I might not post quite as often, but I am stayting for the time being. Thanks to you all for your support, I love you x x x
