Do you remember your childhood? Is it a blur, is it vivid? Do you REALLY remember your childhood, not just through your childhood eyes as if watching a blurry re-run but do you feel your childhood that was yet to be stained by adulthood?

For eternal children it never fades it just gets buried under a light covering of ‘what is expected and what we need to survive’, it surfaces every now and then, pushes it’s way out as if breaking through a layer of ice and says hello. Recognizing yourself as an eternal child, a little, does bring comfort in the adult world but also brings it’s fair share of fear. Sometimes the world seems so big, so scary, people that could be a good 10, 15 years younger seem like the responsible adult you need to ask help from, they know better because they are older, which in reality they kind of are.

For a sissy little like me, that childish nature is mixed up because as a genetic child I didnt understand my emotions and feelings, so played as a boy fairly happily and now the child seeks total dominance, there is a kind of mish mash of needs that Mummy helps to make sence of. I may be a 2 year old girl inside but I still need to learn to be her.

So the frustrations of adulthood would seem so minor to any adult but seem giant to me. Why cant I go sleepy when I am tired? I’m sleepy now! Why do I have to go on the potty? I’m playing!! Why cant I wear a dress? I’m a girl!!

Because the eternal child is not playing little but is more escaping to a true state, the adult world can be a tough place and of course there are no help lines to call, no-one is going to nod and say they understand, unless they are aware of that world. The one thing I have felt is it is easy to relenquish adult than re-gain it. When I am in my nappies, I have to fight myself so hard to change them, it doesnt matter they are soaked, I feel safe, why do I have to take them off? And so the need for Mummy to take control and guide me to the changing mat and lovingly change me becomes so more real each time.

For an adult baby, going potty should never be a thought or worry and however disgusting someone from outside our world may view it, going tinkles and poopies in a nappy is just as natural as any real baby. Sure there are those who do it for very different reasons and so what, up to them, but for real adult babies it is just a natural act.

And this is the thing, remembering childhood is not really an issue for an eternal child because they are just living it still everyday, they will never grow up emotionally it’s not possible, they will cope with adulthood as best they can but inside they will always be children. So if you ever see an ‘adult’ behaving like a big kid, maybe, just maybe you have spotted an eternal child! Maybe you have spotted me!!

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year

January 1, 2012

Happy New Year to you all. I have to say 2011 was by far my best year as a sissy, as it was my first full year as Samantha and my first full year with Mummy. When I say my first full year as Samantha, I mean in that it is the first full year I have really understood who and what I am and this has been a tremendous feeling, coupled with the saftey and security I have with being Mummys daughter.

In the company of men I am a stranger, in the company of adults I am strange, for I am a female child in a mans body. WOW!! The last years, working out who I really was, was an epic internal journey, but now on the springboard to a new year I am fully aware. And so to this new year, what lays ahead? Well, whilst being aware I still have a lot to learn and what better teacher than Mummy. The key to the future is to understand what it means to be an adult child, how to cope whilst I am not with Mummy physically. Mummy helps me a lot, she makes me see that because I am an adult child, an adult baby, there are going to be things I cannot do and that I need to look for the signs and if things get to bad she will help me.

So potty problems, feeling scared and all the other issues, can be seen as small child trying to cope in an adult world. This is comforting, it really is. I have always felt I was a child inside, that I had never grown up and Mummy validated this. I can feel good about myself that I am truly a child, even though it scares me to death! I can understand that the reality to the world is, I am and always will be special needs, not to the extent you would normally associate someone with that term, but in the reality that some basic things adults do everyday I cannot do correcty. Wiping my bum (sorry for the image) for instance is hard for me, infact sometimes not pooping in my pants is a toughie. I have so many childish qualities that slip through, it’s only my natural fear of being “found out” that prevents me slipping into permanent childhood.

But Mummy understands it all, she guides me and whilst we are not together in real life, we are as close as can possibly be.

So 2011 begins to fade and I wave it goodbye, 2012 slowly awakes and I wave it hello. I AM A LITTLE GIRL for this year and the next and the next, as I am eternally Mummys baby girl. I love you Mummy

Happy New Year everyone

 

 

The Bubble

November 20, 2011

For so long the world I have dreamed of was a fantasy that only played out in my head, but since Mummy that fantasy has slowly become real. The utter compulsion to live as a little girl was always reliant on someone looking after me, because to really live as a child requires a parent. In my world there was no compromise, no part time existance and now 2 souls have joined to create this world, a dream world shared. Our world is essentially our bubble, what brings us joy, what is relevant is in our bubble. The rest of the world can go by as fast or slow as it likes for the bubble has its own agenda and that is creating a space where Mummy and daughter can live in their true roles.

There are so many alternative lifestyles out there, so many bubbles. Mine and Mummys is just another bubble floating on the breeze.

I would like just to say a quick shout out to Debbie who sent me the sweetest email. I hope you are reading this, I would love it if you got in-tocuh, I would very much like to share some of you email
x x x

 

Man in the mirror

November 16, 2011

To truly state what Mummy has done for me would take a lifetime but for this post I can touch on a small part. I have said it before I am sure but I, like many other sissies, have suffered the dreaded man in a dress syndrome, where no matter the little girlie fellings coursing through our veins, no matter the soft feel of panty or nappy, the frillies draping our bodies, there still awaits that look in the mirror that can make a sissy just want to cry. Of course I don’t think any sissy can think they will pass as a little girl, especially those of a more mature standing shall we say (like me), syamatics dictate we are physically men in little girl clothes, however there is a desire I feel for many to be able to picture in that mirror what lays burning in our hearts.

Over the years I had learnt a lot about how sissies see themselves and chatting with adult little girls was invaluable. Mindset, mindset, mindset and letting go. This helped, but it didn’t really click until Mummy drummed it into me, in the nicest possible way of course (sorry humiliation and spanking lovers, my Mummy is kindest personified and besides I am a good little girl!!). Mummy see’s the baby girl inside, it’s as simple as that, she see’s past the shell and see’s Samantha and with her guidance, affirmation and validation she helped me see my true self. So dressing up and looking in the mirror doesn’t phase me, I see me, a little girl, in-fact even in mens clothes I see her.

It’s a joy to behold when you see yourself in that light, I am sure many sissies/adult little girls will testify. It’s about not having hang-ups about life, how it’s not fair, but embracing. Oh how simple lol. But for the sanity of being a sissy it has to be simple. For every sissy out there living their lives to the full, there are a 100, if not more, sitting alone in a room with a cheap wig, dress and dolly, aching to be themselves. And of course there are those many sissies who cannot even dress, cannot be and believe me I still feel lucky to be able to dress even if it is not all the time or when I want to, I still thank the pixies.

I guess what I am saying is that even if you cannot dress, or you feel down because you just look like a man in a dress, that little girl who bounces up and down inside you, trying to burst out, is YOU and she shines through your eyes. You don’t need imagination to see her, just look in the mirror and wait for the twinkle in the eye. That body, that shell is just a protective layer around her, she is pretty, she is full of energy and she doesn’t care if she isn’t in a dress or what he looks like, she just wants to express. Sure she isn’t going to turn her nose up at a pretty frilly dress but as long as she can express everynow and then she will be just fine.

I love being a sissy, I love being a little girl, a baby. I wonder though if after all these years of writing this blog whether the reader would say I have done very little towards my goals, that by now I should be at least meeting other sissies. Does that flash accross the mind? Or maybe you think I am well on the road to a happy life? Or maybe you saw the title of this post and thought there might be something on Michael Jackson!!

I want to be a little girl

October 31, 2011

I’ve said and many adult little girls/sissies have said it, but what does it mean? Does saying these words mean that we want to be little girls physically, have the body and therefore grow up into woman? Or have the body and stay little girls? Or does it mean live as little girls, maintaining body and mind?

I’m a little girl, inside I’m a little girl, do I yearn to be physically a little girl? Yes and no. There are times I think yes change me now, but on the otherhand I think what makes me special is being a sissy baby girl an therefore being as I am, I appreciate being a little girl more because it isn’t a physical state and thus reality, if that makes sence. And I can’t grow up. If I was a little girl I would grow up and I don’t want that, I want to stay a child, I will stay a child.

But what about you? If there was a magic wand what would you wish?

I have also began to understand why many adult little girls have duel ages. I see them list a toddler age and then an older age. I think there is this need to express 2 key points in little girlhood, that vunerable age, dependent on Mummy and that key pre teen age, floating, gripped by innocence but free to express fun. I think it’s why 9 sat as an age with me, I saw it through a baby girls eyes of an age I wanted to play at. I still look at that age (and 5) and think yes I could play that, but being, well being will always be 2, because the safety of Mummy and nappies and the simple act of being a baby is where I sit most comfortable and where I will stay.

It is a reality that the world can corrupt the innocent, whether through direct action or simply from a need to survive. As a man there are hidden rules to obey in order to not be seperated from the herd so to speak, so as a sissy there is a need to try harder less people see through the facade – unless you are a sissy who is beyond that of-course. So much of what is taught about living and evolving in society is about how you are seen and thus how to behave, but the subtle lines are very confusing for so many sissies which then creates problems. It is hard to shrug and say I am what I am when everything is pushing you into a blue covered box, countless sissies will testify to this, for every sissy who is ‘out’ there are countless more hidden and scared.

The joy of Mummy is not just the love she gives but also the way she has peeled away the society drenched layers and helped me see through my true eyes. The tainted soul is slowly being cleaned!

Problems I have had all my life have been exposed and looked at so now I can see who I am with more innocent eyes. If we take my potty problems, these were always present, but before Mummy I tended to keep these hidden inside, it was easier to declare I was a sissy than to say I am not very good at going potty. The sissiness was something I could seperate almost, where as potty problems effected me daily. But I evaluate these head on now thanks to Mummy. So I wet the bed occasionally, I dribble into my underpants before and after pee pee and I find it difficult to wipe after poopies. All through life they have been with me, for an adult male embarrasing, the constant worry about soiled underpants, the fear of the smell from the underpants, the thought I should be fully potty trained by now!!!

Mummy see’s this, she helps me control the fear and understand why. And this proves that Mummy is not playing a role, she is doing what any natural mother would do, care for her child and this means so much to me because I know that this relationship we have is real, it’s not adults, it’s mother and daughter. We all know this is what I have needed.

So acceptance has been something I have had to find, acceptance from ME. Once acceptance of what and who I am, the limitations that brings then I can move forward. I am a baby girl, everything that effects me is because of this and the more I learn about being Samantha the more these things will effect me. My potty problems will increase, I am now in nappies when I am not in work or out, but I think I know that sooner or later I will need to be in them fulltime. A few weeks ago this nearly happened due to a near miss at work. That was scary, half wetting myself, but at the moment that was a one off, although the dribbling and wet patches are still a daily occurance (Mummy is helping with that). Wow potty training really did miss me!! Being in nappies daily is very comforting but I still concentrate at the moment of going to the potty rather than using the nappy each and everytime as disposing of lots of used nappies is not easy where I am, however I do use them when I can and also I use them during the night as this is the best time for me to really regress into Samantha, cuddled up with my dolly Emma, dummy in my mouth.

Validation as always comes from Mummy, telling me it’s ok, and that I am a good girl for using my nappies.

And now pansies……..

I have spoken before about being a pansy and what the word meant to me. I kow to many what it means but to me it has always had a slightly different feel. I had for a while, before Mummy felt that unless I met someone who would want to be my Mummy that the only relationship I could have would be with another pansy. To me a pansy was a sissy who was ‘attracted’ to other sissies, not men, but those like themselves. I spoke to Mummy Honey ages ago and she knew of the direction I was taking, she had encouraged me to meet other sissies so I could be with like minded people. I asked about my pansiness and she said she knew I was a pansy from the very first time we spoke, I radiated it. She said I should seek another pansy in a safe place and see if this was the road I wanted to tread.

In my mind the dream was to be with another pansy in our little girl clothes and stay that way, I couldn’t see us being together as men, but only as little girls. I could see the cuddling, even intimate moments, but not sex. So in many ways it was just being close to someone where their was no ‘adult’ pressure. I could touch her in her panties and she could me but the act of sex was not something that came into it. The fact I am attracted to other sissies makes me a pansy BUT this attraction is born from the innocence inside and somehow twisted by the adult bodies needs. Not saying thats a bad thing.

It goes back to how the world see’s me if it could half see me – a sissy, a pansy, even someone who has special needs (as Mummy points out every adult baby is special needs lol). This sissiness, this pansiness and all those problems are expressions of what dwells inside. If the world could really see me, then it would see a fragile 2 year old girl, dependant on her Mummy just aching to be.

To Mummy I am her pansy princess, for I am delicate as a pansy and *blushes* as pretty…. love you Mummy *hugs*

One hundred and one sissies

October 19, 2011

Some are easy to spot, some not so but sissies are everywhere. Now I am not referring to the guys who dress up as sissies, for there are lots of these but your genuine sissy. Sine the explosion of the internet sissies have been able to gain access to others with so much more ease and the result has shown there are more sissies out there than I think anyone ever could have imagined. Lets take transvestites and crossdressers out of the equation as they deserve a whole post just for them and focus on just sissies. As talked about so many times sissies are sissies no matter the clothing, we are timid, sweet, shy when allowed to be ourselves, we have to try a lot harder to be seen as men, we find ourselves having to try and live the so called ‘normal’ life.

As the word sissy became corrupted and re-fashioned over the years it still reflects 2 things, ‘sister’ and ‘un-male like’, whilst I would never say a sissy was cowardly because just being a sissy is brave it is true many sissies, myself included are timid, yet many sissies flourish in being themselves, role models indeed, so they do not cower in the slightest. For many many sissies however the reality is much more fraught. How do I live?

Sissiness is often discovered in latter age, so it is normal a sissy may be married, have kids and lead a ‘normal’ life before realising what those dormant feelings were. The internet has changed this a little because it is easier to research feelings and find like minded souls at a much younger age, but the sissy so far is not accepted, especially little girl and baby sissies.

A sissy is born rather than made? Yes? No?

I believe so, but just because it isn’t prevelent early on doesnt mean that it wont blossom latter in life. I have spoken to many sissies who only disovered their sissiness much later in life, sure they had girlie feelings, but the sissy spark lay deeply hidden under convention. I once said that sissies should be allowed to be free to express themselves how they want to, but I forget sometimes that many sissies are actually happy living a dual life, they are content dressing up every now and then and happy playing the guy. They know they are sissies and satisfy that sissy urge when they need to. Are they betraying their sissiness? Of course not – remember NO RULES!!

If you’re a guy who dresses as a sissy, gets a thrill from wearing frilly dresses then being a guy comes easier, but to sissies it’s mostly not the case, there is most times a struggle going on inside. I know I have had many a struggle. A sissy can hide things well, but something always surfaces to the top, with me it was things you just can’t hide. There was and is the occasional bed wetting incidents, there is the real fear of using the potty and something that was more a problem in my late teens/20’s my small willy and inability to have sex. Bed wetting is something that can be very shameful and of-course not something you would openly admit and neither is a fear of the potty. Of course I don’t shake and tremble at the thought of using it but it does scare me, even at home and I will never effectivly be potty trained, in-fact I never really was potty trained I guess. A grown man admitting he wets the bed, can’t wipe properly and is scared to use the loo is not something we hear about too often lol.

My willy, well you can imagine the scenarios, meet a girl, go steady, get to the ‘lets do it’ stage and uh oh. For all you ‘humiliation’ gurus I am afraid I am going to disappoint you (just as I did those girls lol) there was no ‘oh my God is that it?’ etc etc but there is only so much foreplay you can do before you have to say ‘sorry’ and I hated saying sorry because I think the girls thought they were the problem and of course they wern’t but at a young age, confused and sad for myself what else could I say. Looking back I now understand, sex was never going to be something I could do or even feel comfortable with, it wasn’t just the faulty equipment it was the truth that I am a child, a child trying to do something adult.

What has always been a comfort is that I am not alone, there are others like me, other sissies who know what it is like to live the daily existance wanting nothing more than to be free. What is more of a comfort now is I am not alone because of my Mummy, she is the world that binds me, she is the one who keeps me safe, validates me and makes each second in a world I fear bareable. I will be a fulltime little girl one day with my Mummy and until that day I will sleep sound in the knowledge there are so many sissies out there and Mummys love will reach me from accross the sea and wrap itself around me.

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