July 1, 2016
I ‘closed’ this blog a while back and then had some renewed inspiration that made me write gain, but that has well and truly gone.
Mummy has gone, no why, no reason, just gone. All the promises evaporated.
I have met other people, some nice, but many just not who they pretend to be.
I have lost contact with others who helped me.
I do not have the energy anymore, I still after 10 years do not really know how to be happy.
I am going to concentrate on other aspects of my life and I am going to be selfish and keep Samantha to me and only me. No more sharing.
I hope soon to move away from where I live and start a new life, a life for me. I know I will always be alone, sure I will have friends and some family but I am always on the outside with them anyway, but I can accept that I will be always alone.
This is the last post…. really.
The last straw I guess was the most negative, offending comment left today that makes me want to curl up in a ball and wait for my last breath.
This is what greeted me today
“Samantha is straight and single with a deep longing to be a little girl. The first picture here shows men having fun in fancy dress. The text has that eerie unreality I noticed with a schizophrenic woman: some of what she said was probably true, some obvious fantasy, but the bits in the middle are mind-bending. Watch it get more and more unreal here: If you’re a guy who dresses as a sissy, gets a thrill from wearing frilly dresses then being a guy comes easier, but to sissies it’s mostly not the case, there is most times a struggle going on inside. I know I have had many a struggle. A sissy can hide things well, but something always surfaces to the top, with me it was things you just can’t hide. There was and is the occasional bed wetting incidents, there is the real fear of using the potty and something that was more a problem in my late teens/20’s my small willy and inability to have sex. It may even be true, about the inability, but saying it is a sexual fantasy.”
How to make a human being feel less of one in just a few badly written words.
If you want to thank someone in particular for this blog closing, thank this person.
To all of you who have encouraged me, listened to me and tried to understand me – thank you. I hope life shines on you always.
This blog will remain but closed for a little while but will then be deleted.
February 11, 2016
I think it apt to write this now, because I am feeling scared, more scared than I have been for a while. The darker side of life seems to be closing in and I feel vulnerable, it’s like I am just waiting for the bad things to happen, as if it is only a matter of time. It’s times like this when I really feel alone.
It was because of my sissy nature that I always distanced myself from people. I would rather tuck myself away in my room, in my world than venture out into theirs. Then I began to meet people online who were living their lives as they wanted, they showed me that I didn’t have to be alone, but the fear in my heart meant I could only dip my toe into this freedom.
Then I met Mummy, someone I could never have thought existed, someone who would protect me, love me for who I really was and create a world so beautiful it made me cry. I knew that she was my universe, the other piece of my soul, that with her I could live. But that world we both wanted, both craved and both needed just couldn’t happen.
I haven’t spoken with Mummy in such a long time, apart from a birthday greeting in September there has been nothing, no replies to emails, nothing. I know she wouldn’t deliberately hurt me, but I feel I need resolution. I will never have another Mummy, how can someone compare to her? How could I give myself to someone else? I couldn’t.
My dreams will be forever haunted with the life that could have been and I think it is clear that I will never have the courage to venture out, instead I think I can understand, maybe not completely accept, that I will always be alone, that one day there will be no-one in my life. Maybe that was the way things were meant to be. I know it sounds morbid, but it’s how I feel – today. I don’t understand life – today.
I miss Mummy.
I want to hide.
February 10, 2016
If you are an adult little girl, then life can seem to be a disjointed mixture of contradictions. You know how you should be, how you are expected to be, yet it doesn’t feel quite right or natural.
Give a man a doll and say to him play with like a little girl would. How would he do that? Would he conjure some distant memory of seeing a little girl and try to imitate her? Whatever he did it would be pretend and more difficult than simply being himself.
Give an adult little girl a doll and she will be driven by instinct, a fluid natural movement that is not thought about but just done.
That is why I find it hard, I always feel I am trying to be male when I have to be male, but away from that, in my little girl world I am just instinct, I am just natural, I am just me.
December 28, 2015
I don’t know what happened when I was born, what created the spark that would lead me to where I am and beyond. Some would say it was a genetic abnormality, some maybe that society itself corrupted the natural path to adulthood. I don’t know and in truth don’t really care.
From those early days, saturated with excitement upon discovery of who I was, combined with confusion and guilt, each part of me was so captivated by all things feminine.
Watching the girls at school, wishing I would wake up one day and be like them, seeing images of beautiful dresses on TV and hoping beyond hope that I could wear one.
When you are in those early years, those around you can influence how you will be. Looking back I can see that although I played those so called ‘boys’ games I was a sissy in hiding. In-fact I am sure that had something pushed me towards the ‘girl’ side I would have embraced it and life now would be very different.
But it isn’t……………….
September 6, 2015
I am more confused right now than when I started this blog. Nobody knows the answers and I don’t think I really know the questions, but I feel like I have to make the biggest decision of my life and I have no-one to speak to about it.
I analyze everything way too much, always have. Instead of just being, I dwell, worry and stress. I ache for change yet fear it in equal measure. Am I just living a fantasy world in my head or am I really what I have always believed I am inside? Without Mummys guidance I am doubting everything. I just wish I could understand my true identity and be that, because I hate this not one thing or another way of life. If I am destined to just be a guy who dresses up every now and then then so be it, but I wish I could know that is what I am supposed to be. Or if I am destined to live as a little girl, have that lifestyle, then I wish I knew and had the courage to do that.
But I reach out to people and get mixed responses. In-fact I have reached out to some and got nothing back. It is confusing to know what advise is best and that is really the problem, It is not the advise that is the issue, it is me.
When Mummy and me talked about this wonderful life together, to me it was perfect for what we BOTH needed. I could see that living as a 2 year old girl 24/7 made sense. I could identify with that life, I could identify with being 2. I didn’t see it as a betrayal to my adulthood or giving up on it. I saw it as a freedom from it as it was something I never wanted.
I have found that most look on a life like that and compare it to their own and therefore any opinion is based on whether they would like it or not. That’s ok to a degree, but doesn’t really help. I need to work this out.
As I see it I have four choices:
1. Purge myself of everything sissy/little girl, knowing that the feelings will never go and I could end up very sad
2. Try and find the balance, dress up on occasions, try to enjoy life in the adult world
3. Embrace it, go out and meet people in the lifestyle and find the balance
4. Go all out to be full time
I am an indecisive person, it takes me ages to choose what film to watch, what to have for dinner, whether to do this or that. I am also really really scared, I mean totally, messy nappy scared of all that I am. The thing is, after years of doing this blog I am just still words on a page and it makes me wonder if I can change, if I have really accepted myself, that maybe it is easier to dream than do. To be honest I don’t even understand life in general, but that’s another story.
I would try counselling but I am afraid of the answer because deep down I want someone to say YES you need to live 24/7 as a little girl, that justifies it all then, all those feelings, it justifies my existence, it justifies Mummy. But Mummy isn’t here anymore.
If I try to find balance, how do I be a man? Do I just carry on pretending, or do I just be? Can I be a man with a small limp willy? How does a man be a man without the confidence of having an erection? Are these really silly questions lol. How about this, do I betray my sissiness by acting as a man or is sissiness a part of me so I can switch? Yet aren’t I not still a sissy in men’s clothes? See, I over think things to extremes. How do I stop that? How the f**k do I find happiness or even know what happiness is?
I know it’s not black and white, this life. I know it’s too short. But I need to make a choice or I am destined to spend the rest of my life wondering what if.
August 31, 2015
The year has skipped by like a fairy overdosing on fairy dust, no sooner had the days lengthened and the sun warmed the skin, then the clouds forced their way into the sky and the thought of autumn filters to the mind.
Illness has once again played it’s part and even though I know there is something wrong, I believe I know the cause and therefore the ‘cure’. I have been to the doctors and as always get told pretty much nothing other than take some pills for a little while which works for a time but soon back to square one. Yet I think a more natural, sensible option is the best course of medicine and so I will try that.
I am also more acutely aware that I have more physiological issues that I have always brushed aside. I understand now, more than ever that these will never go away and are more likely what is contributing to my poor health. Of course you won’t be surprised to know that most of these ‘issues’ stem from gender confusion, age confusion and potty stress. Of course there isn’t really any gender confusion – I’m a girl and there isn’t really any age confusion – I’m a child. But when you inhabit a male body in an adult world it can get pretty unnerving. As for potty stress, well I know the answer to that – nappies, but the reality of being in nappies as an ‘adult male’ is not ideal to say the least.
I took the COGIATI (Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory) MtF twice got the same result – probale transexual – “What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism.
Your situation is potentially serious and indicative of a probable inborn gender conflict. It is definitely recommended that you pursue further action.
The suggestions for your circumstance are several.
1. It is recommended that you seek help from a sympathetic counselor or professional about your gender issues. It is very possible that over time they will become increasingly difficult to cope with. Early determination of what you really need and want is vital. You need to determine if you truly are transsexual. Keep in mind, though, that many alternatives exist other than complete sexual transformation. Partial transformation and many other way of existing are available. While you are very possibly a transsexual, COGIATI has determined that this is not absolutely certain. While time is an issue, being certain is more important. Proceed with investigation of your possible transsexuality or transgenderism, but with
2. Some actions may help you to define your needs more clearly. Experimenting with living full time as a woman, taking hormones for a short time under supervision, or taking testosterone suppressers to observe how you feel are all viable options. Keep in mind that while it is very likely that you might be a transsexual, it is not certain. Do not take
severe or permanent actions without long thought and the help of counselors and professionals.
3. Your gender issues are real, and should not be ignored. Neither should you rush into acting on them, however powerful they may feel. You do not fit the full criterion for the rarest classification, classic transsexuality, and so should be cautious, and open to possibilities. You may yet end up undergoing transition, and the path of the transsexual may well be your salvation. Be very careful, but do not ignore your issues.”
Hmmm didn’t really see that coming. I may have gone for transgender, but transsexual? Still it is not a conclusive test, but does allow me to look at myself in a different light.
Now something a little more fun, I found some apps on google and have created some images of me as a little girl. I used one that ‘feminizes’ by changing eyebrows, lips etc and another that morphs 2 pics together, so used a pic of a little girl with mine and here are the results.
Ok so not perfect (and possibly a little creepy) but you get the idea I hope!
July 4, 2015
It’s been a difficult time with my emotions stretched to the limit. There has been sadness, confusement, tears and a bout of depression. There has been some good, but each time the rain clouds ease they only seem to come back darker. I have seen loss and felt that cold feeling of time slipping away and being stuck in some groundhog day. What is more frustrating is I can see the way out but I am too scared to really go for it.
I exist in a lifestyle that is functional, accepted by society but has little self satisfaction. I can see the lifestyle I want and need but either my internal fear or inability to achieve it holds me back.
From day one of this blog I have expressed my desire to live as a little girl and while this desire has increased, my courage to step out of the shadows and meet others has not. I do however understand that it is simply pointless to keep myself in this rut and I need to really look at not only what I want in life, but also what I need. I feel I also need to understand what is possible and what will always be maybe just fantasy.
In my mind and in my heart being a little girl is just the most wondrous, natural state of being. I feel so very comfortable in little girl clothes, it feels right to slip into a little girl mindset and more it feels right to stay in the clothes and the mindset.
And when I find darling pics like these it just makes it more so!
This is my world and it is truly magical