September 6, 2015
I am more confused right now than when I started this blog. Nobody knows the answers and I don’t think I really know the questions, but I feel like I have to make the biggest decision of my life and I have no-one to speak to about it.
I analyze everything way too much, always have. Instead of just being, I dwell, worry and stress. I ache for change yet fear it in equal measure. Am I just living a fantasy world in my head or am I really what I have always believed I am inside? Without Mummys guidance I am doubting everything. I just wish I could understand my true identity and be that, because I hate this not one thing or another way of life. If I am destined to just be a guy who dresses up every now and then then so be it, but I wish I could know that is what I am supposed to be. Or if I am destined to live as a little girl, have that lifestyle, then I wish I knew and had the courage to do that.
But I reach out to people and get mixed responses. In-fact I have reached out to some and got nothing back. It is confusing to know what advise is best and that is really the problem, It is not the advise that is the issue, it is me.
When Mummy and me talked about this wonderful life together, to me it was perfect for what we BOTH needed. I could see that living as a 2 year old girl 24/7 made sense. I could identify with that life, I could identify with being 2. I didn’t see it as a betrayal to my adulthood or giving up on it. I saw it as a freedom from it as it was something I never wanted.
I have found that most look on a life like that and compare it to their own and therefore any opinion is based on whether they would like it or not. That’s ok to a degree, but doesn’t really help. I need to work this out.
As I see it I have four choices:
1. Purge myself of everything sissy/little girl, knowing that the feelings will never go and I could end up very sad
2. Try and find the balance, dress up on occasions, try to enjoy life in the adult world
3. Embrace it, go out and meet people in the lifestyle and find the balance
4. Go all out to be full time
I am an indecisive person, it takes me ages to choose what film to watch, what to have for dinner, whether to do this or that. I am also really really scared, I mean totally, messy nappy scared of all that I am. The thing is, after years of doing this blog I am just still words on a page and it makes me wonder if I can change, if I have really accepted myself, that maybe it is easier to dream than do. To be honest I don’t even understand life in general, but that’s another story.
I would try counselling but I am afraid of the answer because deep down I want someone to say YES you need to live 24/7 as a little girl, that justifies it all then, all those feelings, it justifies my existence, it justifies Mummy. But Mummy isn’t here anymore.
If I try to find balance, how do I be a man? Do I just carry on pretending, or do I just be? Can I be a man with a small limp willy? How does a man be a man without the confidence of having an erection? Are these really silly questions lol. How about this, do I betray my sissiness by acting as a man or is sissiness a part of me so I can switch? Yet aren’t I not still a sissy in men’s clothes? See, I over think things to extremes. How do I stop that? How the f**k do I find happiness or even know what happiness is?
I know it’s not black and white, this life. I know it’s too short. But I need to make a choice or I am destined to spend the rest of my life wondering what if.
August 31, 2015
The year has skipped by like a fairy overdosing on fairy dust, no sooner had the days lengthened and the sun warmed the skin, then the clouds forced their way into the sky and the thought of autumn filters to the mind.
Illness has once again played it’s part and even though I know there is something wrong, I believe I know the cause and therefore the ‘cure’. I have been to the doctors and as always get told pretty much nothing other than take some pills for a little while which works for a time but soon back to square one. Yet I think a more natural, sensible option is the best course of medicine and so I will try that.
I am also more acutely aware that I have more physiological issues that I have always brushed aside. I understand now, more than ever that these will never go away and are more likely what is contributing to my poor health. Of course you won’t be surprised to know that most of these ‘issues’ stem from gender confusion, age confusion and potty stress. Of course there isn’t really any gender confusion – I’m a girl and there isn’t really any age confusion – I’m a child. But when you inhabit a male body in an adult world it can get pretty unnerving. As for potty stress, well I know the answer to that – nappies, but the reality of being in nappies as an ‘adult male’ is not ideal to say the least.
I took the COGIATI (Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory) MtF twice got the same result – probale transexual – “What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism.
Your situation is potentially serious and indicative of a probable inborn gender conflict. It is definitely recommended that you pursue further action.
The suggestions for your circumstance are several.
1. It is recommended that you seek help from a sympathetic counselor or professional about your gender issues. It is very possible that over time they will become increasingly difficult to cope with. Early determination of what you really need and want is vital. You need to determine if you truly are transsexual. Keep in mind, though, that many alternatives exist other than complete sexual transformation. Partial transformation and many other way of existing are available. While you are very possibly a transsexual, COGIATI has determined that this is not absolutely certain. While time is an issue, being certain is more important. Proceed with investigation of your possible transsexuality or transgenderism, but with
2. Some actions may help you to define your needs more clearly. Experimenting with living full time as a woman, taking hormones for a short time under supervision, or taking testosterone suppressers to observe how you feel are all viable options. Keep in mind that while it is very likely that you might be a transsexual, it is not certain. Do not take
severe or permanent actions without long thought and the help of counselors and professionals.
3. Your gender issues are real, and should not be ignored. Neither should you rush into acting on them, however powerful they may feel. You do not fit the full criterion for the rarest classification, classic transsexuality, and so should be cautious, and open to possibilities. You may yet end up undergoing transition, and the path of the transsexual may well be your salvation. Be very careful, but do not ignore your issues.”
Hmmm didn’t really see that coming. I may have gone for transgender, but transsexual? Still it is not a conclusive test, but does allow me to look at myself in a different light.
Now something a little more fun, I found some apps on google and have created some images of me as a little girl. I used one that ‘feminizes’ by changing eyebrows, lips etc and another that morphs 2 pics together, so used a pic of a little girl with mine and here are the results.
Ok so not perfect (and possibly a little creepy) but you get the idea I hope!
July 4, 2015
It’s been a difficult time with my emotions stretched to the limit. There has been sadness, confusement, tears and a bout of depression. There has been some good, but each time the rain clouds ease they only seem to come back darker. I have seen loss and felt that cold feeling of time slipping away and being stuck in some groundhog day. What is more frustrating is I can see the way out but I am too scared to really go for it.
I exist in a lifestyle that is functional, accepted by society but has little self satisfaction. I can see the lifestyle I want and need but either my internal fear or inability to achieve it holds me back.
From day one of this blog I have expressed my desire to live as a little girl and while this desire has increased, my courage to step out of the shadows and meet others has not. I do however understand that it is simply pointless to keep myself in this rut and I need to really look at not only what I want in life, but also what I need. I feel I also need to understand what is possible and what will always be maybe just fantasy.
In my mind and in my heart being a little girl is just the most wondrous, natural state of being. I feel so very comfortable in little girl clothes, it feels right to slip into a little girl mindset and more it feels right to stay in the clothes and the mindset.
And when I find darling pics like these it just makes it more so!
This is my world and it is truly magical
February 14, 2015
I want to right a wrong. I think my last post came across more negatively than I had intended, it was more a state of society than how I really feel. That said I have felt more detached with life in general, hopefully spring will appear soon not only weather wise but also in my step.
The image above is the type of picture that has always got my heart racing because it was how I pictured the life of a little girl. It is now even more to me because as my body ages my emotional age seems to be more firmly rooted, which I guess as I am a little is too be expected, however it does feel more free within, more dominant and to be honest I have given up trying to control it, I am just too tired to do that. So there are instances when I come across childish, silly etc and that’s ok. I’m not going to skip down the road (tempting as it is), but I am not going to hide the little childish actions anymore. That being said I am always aware that I need to be careful, given how intolerant the world can be, but it is so hard to be an adult when you know you are really anything but.
December 31, 2014
I do not understand you, therefore I find what you do to be disgusting! Weirdo! Pervert! Abnormal beyond abnormal………….
If my husband did that I would throw him out…………
Sitting at my desk in the office and the conversation switches, I feel a slight reddening of my cheeks (face before you ask) and move a little uncomfortable in my chair. Is it hot in here? The conversation is about adult babies and I am in a quandary, should I champion the right to wear a nappy? Should I just let the conversation pass? Or should I go with the majority or in other words the ‘haters’?
Years ago the mere mention of adult babies or crossdressing would have made me a nervous wreck, I would be paranoid that even the way I reacted to hearing those words would give me away. I could vision everyone pointing at me shouting out that they knew I was one. It’s different now, I can sit and just interact as everyone else, even give my views, obviously without openly saying I am a sissy/adult baby/adult little girl etc etc.
So how did I react this time, well I let the conversation pass to a degree, added a few jokes about I was wearing nappies anyway, said each to their own and there are worse things in the world and then did a curtsey and fluttered out of the office. Ok made the last thing up. But to cap it all off someone then said that their friend used to sell their used panties to disgusting, lonely perverted men. Ouch! How do I defend that?
I can see how the extremes in what is ‘normal’ get viewed in certain ways, how a wife would react if after 10 years of marriage her husband said he liked to wear nappies, put on a bonnet and go ‘ga ga’. It’s when the words temper towards hate that I just want to sink into a hole, cover it up and hibernate until that asteroid finally wipes us out. I cannot count the amount of times I have stood in front of the mirror in a stinky, dirty nappy, baby girl dress, pacifier, ringlet wig etc and just thought ‘what the f**k am I doing? I have soiled myself, I am dressed as a baby girl. Why?
But you know why and I know why and it will never go away.
I really tried to say goodbye to Samantha, but all that happened was she just shouted louder. I tried to justify it all, rationalize it, even just forget it, but it is so ingrained in me that I know I can never escape who I am. I am Samantha, I’m a little girl. If that’s disgusting then I guess we are all disgusting.
December 23, 2014
Christmas is a bizarre time of year for me, each year friends slip further away, family always distant and the faint cheer from others just gets washed over the hum of expectancy. For the first time I do not have Mummy at Christmas and I now have to come to terms that she is not going to be in my life anymore. I should be used to it, I have had people in the past draw close and then vanish but it was always different with Mummy, she was always there even when the time we could speak grew further apart.
Christmas is not only bizarre to me it is also a time my depression can take a hold because I allow myself painful reflection. The what if’s the what should bes and the same old who the hell am I? I know it is the same for a lot of people, the never ending build up, the not so welcome climax and then the thought of at least 2 months of winter. But this year, this irrelevant year of nothing that flew by in the blink of twitchers eye, leaves me cold but with only a tiny bit of hope that for once in my life I can find my place.
I can stop being who I am but maybe it is time to try. Maybe it is time to face up to the fact I will always be that person who talks the talk, gushes about how they want this idyllic life but will always be too scared to do anything about it. Maybe it is time to find something different in life, a different focus, let Samantha fade back into the dreams she came from and live life, because after 7 years I have not really done a thing. Maybe it is time to say goodbye to Samantha and just let those feelings come and go as and when they do as if they are someone elses.
I will be honest and don’t look into this more than it is, don’t analyse it and twist it’s meaning, but I have never understood life, I have never understood it’s purpose, it’s point, or rather I don’t know it’s meaning for me. Sometimes, just sometimes when I am so tired from the constant breathing, pain and discomfort I really envy nothing, the purity of non-existence. I guess for all my life I lived it on the edge of fantasy because I could never understand reality, that the real living of life was not in the perfection of fantasy but in that reality of living every day, rain or shine, happy or sad. It’s just I find it so hard.
I know one thing, I don’t want another Mummy and even if I met someone who wanted to be that they wouldn’t be Mummy and I could never let myself trust that they wouldn’t leave. That has been my fault, one of so many, my inability to really trust, yet with Mummy I had allowed myself to trust, to love as only a child could.
So Christmas will be another day, not a sad day, but not an over happy day. Just a day.
Maybe this time next year I will have found a new existence, maybe that should be my Christmas wish?
November 15, 2014
I have talked about this on the past, the many stress related issues I have with using the toilet and how it effects my every day life, but I wanted to expand on it even though I don’t always find it easy to discuss.
The potty has basically dictated my life and however hard it has been to admit I have never truly succeeded at potty training. The adult would find this bizarre as it is the fundamental aspect of growing up and in essence one of the first things we learn. But for me the simple act of ‘going potty’ is fraught with stress and quite frankly a big slice of mystery.
We are taught, conditioned even to use the potty and wean ourselves of the security of nappies. The potty gives us a freedom from nappies but for me it wasn’t freedom, it was like being thrown into a strange new world. I had accidents up to about 6, the worst when at that age I pooped my pants at school.
I learnt to use the potty to a degree and went about the equally stressful task of growing up, yet I still had fundamental problems. I found it harder and harder to pee when others were around and I got worse with wiping. In my late teens, early twenties my mum would often have a quiet word about the state of my pants/boxers and to make sure I wiped properly. As you can imagine this was very embarrassing, why couldn’t I wipe properly?
My problems have meant that I have not gone to certain places because I was concerned about the toilet facilities and that often got amplified to such an extent I would just stay at home. I hated that potty time was the first consideration for me when looking at places to visit.
Work was and is a nightmare, it is simply almost impossible to use public bathrooms as I can’t go with others around, coupled with the anxiety I often feel of being ‘exposed’ on the potty I tend to hold it in. Then there is the urge to just go in my pants that I fight with on an almost daily level. It’s such a strong feeling, I can feel the need to poop for instance and I have to wrestle with myself not to just let go, it feels more strange in a way to stop what I am doing and go to the potty than to just poop myself.
Mummy understood this and it was my potty problems that helped her work out my real emotional age – 2. She also knew that for my own health I should be in nappies 24/7. Of course the reality of wearing nappies 24/7 is something else especially in terms of work and changing yourself, I don’t know how the office I work in would react to the waft of a dirty nappy hitting their nostrils lol, but what Mummy of course meant was I should be in nappies 24/7 AND living as a baby girl.
Through every aspect of my life I have always wanted someone to take control of potty time, help me through it, keep me clean. Whether that entailed changing a nappy or sitting me on the potty and standing ‘guard’ while I went and then wiping my bum, it was always there in my mind.
I will always fear the potty, I will never wipe as well as I should, I will leave marks, I will leave dribbles, I accept that, in those simple actions of ‘going’ I will always struggle. And I will always check for the Potty Monster!!!